Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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