Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
