mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
