drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
