I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
