Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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