Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
