Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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