onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
