go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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