i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
