watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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