Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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