So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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