Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
