I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I am morally bankrupt
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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