nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
3pm strippers are depressing
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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