I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
