I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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