I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
