I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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