Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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