last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
