I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
