pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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