Your tits are I can't wait for
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
