I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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