peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I need to wash the frat house off of me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
