i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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