Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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