Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
