i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
