The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
