he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
