last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
