i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
