when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
