I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
