i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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