From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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