I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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