i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
