I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
