Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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