hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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