I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
