It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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