guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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