Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
