I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Boobs are out for the taking
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
