She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
