I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
