When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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