Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
that is very illegal...i love you.
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