Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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